Tommy Tuberville proves we can do without the South

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What the fuck, Alabama?

What the fuck, Alabama?
Photo: (AP)

I know what happens every time you say something like that. I know there’s a lot of good people south of the Mason Dixon, or even south of I-80. At least that’s what they keep saying. And hey, a lot of dangerous jagoffs have been elected from the North. Except they come from places that want to be in the South. Places where you’ll find your neighbors testing their boat motor in their driveway.

Tommy Tuberville is a shit heel. He doesn’t know anything, other than he’s coached some college football — which pretty much makes you a psychopath, who isn’t capable of dealing with employees with agency, which essentially makes you a wannabe tyrant — and he hates people who don’t look like him. That’s it. That’s all anyone in Alabama knows about him. What’s clear now is that college football fans don’t like watching their team win the most. They like watching an old white man yell at powerless young Black kids the most. That’s what college football is after all.

And yet that’s enough. He won the Senate seat in Alabama over a genuine patriot, Doug Jones, who has spent most of his adult life working for those who need it. By any logical metric, Jones is more qualified by a factor of 12. “But can he deploy a tight end against a Cover-3?” is all that Alabamians want to know. And evidence of what Tuberville knows about a Cover-3 is sketchy at best.

If you want to know why we’re completely fucked as a society and unsalvageable, there you go. Celebrity matters infinitely more than qualification. Especially in a place like Alabama that can’t spell “priorities.”

This is what we drag around.

Go ahead and yell at me. Until you prove differently, I’m not listening.

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