Screw the rules! Our jerseys look like vomit now

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The Dallas Stars unveiled their new uniforms today.

The Dallas Stars unveiled their new uniforms today.
Image: Dallas Stars

The photo above is not part of an energy drink advertisement, nor is it some sort of misguided Tron cosplay. It is, in fact, the latest aesthetic for hockey’s Dallas Stars, whose apparent quest to become that city’s most toxic franchise has taken a literal turn.

Team officials, debuting the Ninja Turtle Green kit Tuesday as a second alternate jersey, told the Dallas Morning News the new look stemmed from overwhelming amounts of fan feedback. It is unclear whether fans had clamored specifically for an “irradiated disaster zone” color scheme.

The Stars’ vice president of marketing, Dan Stuchal, summed up the creative approach: “Radically modern, next generation and, I like this third one, screw the rules.”

This is America, dammit, and it is the Dallas Stars’ prerogative to skate around looking like cyberpunk firefighters if they so choose. Screw the rules!

To that end, the jerseys are also emblazoned with a scrappy slogan: “Come and take it,” a phrase first popularized in Greek some 2,500 years ago by the famously outnumbered Spartan warriors of Thermopylae, whose opponents, the Persian Empire, came and took it.

“Come and take it” enjoyed a revival in Texas during its 1835 war with Mexico, and has remained a bellicose state motto ever since. Now, it serves as a marketable splash of empty bravado for the Stars.

“We really wanted the new colors, the new jersey, to establish itself with our fanbase,” said team President Brad Alberts.

In the sense that Chernobyl “established itself” with eastern Europe, this uniform is sure to succeed.

But don’t take it from me! I am an embittered goof with no sense of style. Here are more photos of the new Stars jersey to help you make up your mind:

Don’t skate into the fluorescent lighting!

Don’t skate into the fluorescent lighting!
Photo: Dallas Stars

You don’t even need to buy your own caution tape!

You don’t even need to buy your own caution tape!
Photo: Dallas Stars

Players CANNOT join forces to summon a large robot

Players CANNOT join forces to summon a large robot
Photo: Dallas Stars

They’ll be wearing jerseys at least a dozen times per season over the next three years, per NHL regulations, so get your half-assed Matrix references in order.



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